


Your Mind Must Be a Terrifying Place

by hogwarts221b



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-08 03:19:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13449426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hogwarts221b/pseuds/hogwarts221b
Summary: Two broken boys, in need of each other, in need of finding peace with themselves and the world.





	1. Friday, Library (Evan)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction (ever!)  
> So I would really appreciate feedback :)
> 
>  
> 
> Changes from the original story:  
> Evan is not seeing a therapist at the start, he is keeping to himself a lot.
> 
> This is also on wattpad:  
> https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/135786931-your-mind-must-be-a-terrifying-place

'Bye Mom' Evan says to Heidi, who had dropped him off at the library, on the way to working a night shift at the hospital. He closes the car door and walks up the wooden steps. He clutches the strap of his eco-friendly canvas-like hessian satchel, which he has strewn across his body. Inside it, he had put his computer, his phone, and a blue brand-new notebook with an illustrated tree on the cover. His mom had insisted on buy it for him, after persuading him to going to the Weekly Writing Group at the library. She had written his name in small cursive, trying her best not to make it look like her normal doctor like scrawl.

 

'Here goes nothing...and everything'. Evan lets out a shaky breath as he stands outside the multi-purpose room. He could see in through the floor to ceiling windows.  _So you can look in without opening the door, and look more awkward than you already are._

 

He could see at least six people in there, none of which he recognises, but not as many as he imagined would be there. There was a circle of chairs in the middle of the room, a few tables and chairs in the corners for individual study or in this case, writing.

 

_God, why did he agree to this, why couldn't he just stand up for himself and say no?? Why? Cause it's cheaper than therapy, and keeps his mom off his back. Mom has suggested it many times, why didn't I say yes?? Why do I constantly put a wall between us? Jeez come on Evan, you can do this, it can't be that bad,in there are people who like writing, like you! But what if they are way better than me and judge me for writing like a 5 year old, like I am not good enough to be there?_

 

Evan leans against the door, and tries to take a few breaths. The door behind him suddenly opens and he stumbles forward. He turns around, and a smiling dark-skinned face peeks out from around the door.

 

'Hi, I'm Alana! I saw you hovering outside, and I thought that you might not know if it was the right place or not. You are here for the writing group, right?'  
  


 

'Yeah, yes I...I'm here for the writing group, do you - do you run it?'  
  


 

'Yeah I'm kind of the coordinator, I'm volunteering at the library outside of school hours. Haven't I seen you before?' She peers at him.   
  


 

'Um probably? I-I think we go to the same school? Oh yeah, I'm Evan? Oh um I didn't mean to make that sound like a question, I'm sorry. Um am I late? I might as well just go if I'm interrupting anything, I didn't mean to inconvenience you at all, I'll go, I'll just go'. He starts to turn and run away, run away to the safety of home.

 

'No Evan, your right on time, anyway, it's a small group today, and it's always nice to meet new people. Everyone is interesting, and has a story to tell. Come on in' 

 

 _Dammit_.

 

'Um ok, sure'   
Evan walks in, directly behind Alana, his fingers sticking out of the cast, fidget with one of the zippers.  _Oh god, please don't introduce me or make me introduce myself._

 

'Ok, Everyone, this is Evan, he will be joining us today' 

 

_Dammit Alana why did you have to do that?_

 

A few people look up from writing in notebooks or typing on computers. A guy in the corner, dressed in all black, with shoulder length chocolate coloured curls, looks up at Evan. He gives him a small wave then looks back down at his notebook.  
  


 

'Do you want to share what you are writing or why style you write in?' Alana continues. A few heads are still staring in his direction. Evan feels his hands start to sweat 'Um no, sorry? I don't have anything that I'm working on, and I don't really have a style? I'm sorry that sounded rude, um I should leave'  
  


 

The heads look away and he breathes out, suddenly painfully aware that he been keeping in a breath.  
  


 

'Nah it's ok, I'll introduce you to some people?'  
  


 

'Um it's ok, um who's the guy in the corner next to the window looking out at the garden?'  
  


 

'That's Connor, no one really likes him, we try to befriend him, but he pushes us away' _ok wow that sounds like me. It can't hurt to go sit with him, can it? He's probably lonely, like me. I'm sure he is pretty nice when you get to know him._ _  
_

 

Evan, with pretend confidence, walks over to Connor.  
  


 

'Hi, I'm Evan, um can I sit down? It is ok, if you want I can sit somewhere else, ok I'm bothering you, I'll go sit over there, I'm disturbing you aren't I? I'm sorry.'  
  


 

'Um, you really do not want to be here do you? Neither did I, but here I am. Sit down man, I'm not going to bite, even if Alana says otherwise. I'm Connor by the way'  
  


 

He sticks out his right hand. Evan wipes his own right hand on his tan coloured jeans and offers it to him. Connor grabs it, and pulls Evan close to him. He whispers in his ear, his hair brushing Evan's cheek 'I'm also high' Connor grins, his red rimmed eyes prominent.

 

_This is probably what mom means by getting in with the wrong crowd. He's high on drugs, so that's why he hasn't run away like the rest of them yet._

 

'Oh, ok then'

 

_Why do these tables face the window, so I have to sit next to him, not opposite him? Sitting next to someone is intimate if you have just met them, and not to mention, he's high. I don't want to get high off his second-hand drug smell, that's probably not how you get high anyway - as if I'm an expert, I've never fallen in with that crowd. Hm, maybe I should, it would decrease my anxiety, make me look more-easy going, but hey? What the hell do I know?_

 

Evan cautiously sits down next to Connor, trying not breathe too deeply. Connor notices.

 

'Don't worry, you're not going to get high, well I highly doubt it, well maybe only a little bit, but not as high that it is noticeable to people around you. Don't worry, don't worry, if I'm in the room, well, everyone will be a tiny bit high at least once in their life. Come on, i'm not going to hurt you'. _Great, just great. Connor is solving his problems by getting high. Maybe getting high is a good idea to solve mine._

 

'Don't I know you from somewhere Connor?'

 

'Um I vaguely remember you from that one AP Literature lesson I went to. I don't even remember applying for that class'

 

'Yeah, I think that's where I know you from. You should go to literature class, it's a good class, and the teacher, Mr. Faist, is pretty cool.'

 

'Yeah, I should, but every time I think of it, I think of it as lit, and that reminds me to get high again. Funny that'

 

He proceeded to laugh, a hearty maniacal laugh. Evan just stares at him.

 

'Oh right, sorry dude. Hey what happened to your arm?'

 

Evan froze, then talks even faster than already possible 'Oh. I, um I fell out of a tree actually'

 

Connor laughs again.

 

'You fell out of a tree? That is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my god'

 

Evan laughs nervously 'I know'

 

'Hey no one's signed your cast'

 

'No, I know'

 

'I'll sign it'

 

'Oh... no you don't have to'

 

'Do you have a sharpie?'

 

'Um yeah?'

 

Evan pulls out his pencil case, blue with green tree off to the right. He rummages around for a minute and finds a black sharpie. Connor snatches the marker from his hand and pulls Evan closer to him by his cast. Evan winces, but Connor doesn't notice, as he is too focused on scrawling his name in huge capital letters on the entire outside of the cast. He caps the sharpie and puts it on the table.  _  
_

 

_Oh great. Why the hell did I agree to this?_

 

'Oh...Great...Thanks'

 

'Now we can both pretend we have friends'  
  
  


'Oh...good point'

 

'Um, trying to break the ice, seeing as we are friends and all, what are you interested in, like your hobbies and stuff?'

 

'Oh, um I like nature, trees actually, well even more specifically Oak trees, cause they are huge, but take a long time to grow, well, all trees take a long time to grow. And you can climb Oak trees cause they have a lot of branches, even though I wouldn't cause I'm terrified of heights. And Oak trees are deciduous? So they go through green and then the leaves turn red and fall, and they always look really pretty, so anyway... Sorry'

 

_Damn it Evan, you were rambling. He's now going to think you're a nerd and a jerk, well I am already those things right?_

 

'Nah it's fine, you're obviously passionate about them, it's cute. Here give me your arm back'

 

'Um, why?'

 

'Just do it man, I am a surprisingly good at drawing' Connor picks up the sharpie again with a smile.  
  


 

'Um ok?'

 

Evan holds his left arm out for Connor grab. He prepares himself for the jerk, like last time, but this time, Connor is quite gentle with him. Evan leans over to see what Connor was drawing.  
  


'Hey man, get your head out of the way, you're blocking the light'

 

'Oh... sorry' He leans back, waiting for Connor to finish.

 

'Voila!' Connor puts on a French accent 'It's a masterpiece!'  
  


'Um, thanks?' Evan warily brings his arm back towards his body. Connor had drawn a tree around 'O' of his name, making it look like it was a hole in the tree. Around the tree, Connor had drawn small shrubs and plants. A whole nature scene.

_He is a pretty good artist, not to mention cute, I wonder how he got into doing drugs. Jeez, that hair must have caused some huge rebellion in his family, mom would never let me do something like that, I -_

 

Alana interrupts his thoughts. Thankfully hitting a pause button on his ever-spiralling stream of consciousness.

 

'Everyone, can I have your attention? Thanks. It's now sharing time! You can either share with a partner or come to the circle in the middle to share with the whole group. Otherwise, you can pick someone who looks as lonely as you!'

 

A couple of people chuckle, including Evan, who looks at Connor, who offers him a smile. Alana continues.

 

'Remember, don't give the person your sharing with a hard time, and  _constructive_ criticism only. This is a safe space remember'

  
Connor looks away from Alana and back at Evan.

 

'Ughh  _shit_ , sharing time. I completely forgot about this'

 

'Um oh, we haven't done any actual writing, and -' _I'm too nervous to share anyway. Ugh why am I such a weak excuse of a human? Am I incapable of sharing a piece of writing? What about that piece you wrote last year of you working at the Nature Reserve? Nah, it seems so childish now._

 

'Hey, Hey Evan? Earth to Evan?'

 

'Oh sorry, I guess I zoned out for a sec'

 

'Anyway, seeing as it is your first time here, I'll give you something to read of mine, anyways, I could do with the feedback. I usually don't do this, hell, I usually don't have someone to talk to at all, but I'll make an exception for you, Treeboy'

 

'Thanks?'

 

'Here, read it, it's not finished, but it's what I've been working on' Connor offers his notebook to Evan.  
  


 

\---  
  


 

Evan finishes reading and places Connor's book on the table.  
  
  


'Wow. Wow. That was freaking fantastic! You...you write so beautifully; your mind must be a terrifying place'

 

Connor mutters under his breath 'Oh you bet, and you don't even know anything about me'

 

Connor suddenly scrapes his chair back on the wooden floor with a loud screech. He swiftly picks up his notebook and pen, and grabs his own satchel. A brown leather one, which was on the floor, resting on Connor's chair leg, out of view of Evan. Connor runs out of the room muttering to himself, and slamming the door on his way out.

 

'Wow ok jeez. Did I fail to mention that he did that sometimes?'   
Alana looks up at Evan, who had gotten to his feet in a brief attempt to get Connor to stay.

 

'Um...uh no, no you didn't'

 

Evan runs after Connor, who hadn't made it far outside the library.

 

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you'

 

Connor, hastily walking away from the library was adjusting the strap on his satchel. He glares over his shoulder at Evan. 

 

'Fuck off, asshole'. He breaks into a run, not ever looking back. 

 

Evan doesn't follow Connor, he knows when people need to be left alone, and that people get particularly nasty when you don't. He sighs and heads back inside.


	2. Friday, On the Way Home (Connor)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of last chapter's night, but from Connor's POV.

Connor wheezes, but keeps running away from the library, trying to put distance between him and Evan. Trying not giving in to the painfully human beat of his heart. He slows and starts walking fast, trying to catch his breath.    
  
_ Why do I have to be so fucking weak, letting down my guard, and letting some new kid who I have never seen before, writhe underneath my armor that is usually as hard as steel. Letting him see further than anybody has, letting him see my journal for Christ’s sake. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN THAT, NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND, NO ONE CAN REALLY SEE. JEEZ CONNOR, WHAT THE FUCK? WHY DID I DECIDE THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING WEAK????? _ __   
  
Connor stops walking, and leans back against a wall, the bricks coarse and cold to the touch of his exposed neck. He lets himself breathe out a few shaky breaths. _ Oh, now you are stopping? Why don’t you keep going, I’m sure you could have made it home in one sprint, you’re getting lazy, come ON. _ __   
  
Connor turns around and punches the wall, his face contorting in a roar of raw emotion. He looks down at his hand. Old scars, bleeding open again, blood oozing out from the crevices. He breathes heavily, his angular shoulders rising and falling dramatically. His mouth open in a silent scream. He feels his eyes starting to burn.   
  
_ Well look at that ol’ high, ‘strong’ Connor is starting to cry… _ __   
  
Connor looks up at the sky - a dark cloud forming, an oncoming storm - trying not to let a pain-filled tear fall down his cheek. He pleads with the darkness.    
  
_ Oh come on, come on, don’t do this to me, I give in I admit that I’m a failure and a disappointment to all who meet me, just please, don’t make me look even more broken than I am.   _ __   
  
A single tear works its way to the edge of his drug induced red-rimmed eyes and falls, along with the rest of his carefully composed composure with it. _ Shit . _   
  
Connor just stands there, waiting for the oncoming storm. Heavy drops of rain start to fall.  _ Even the sky is mocking you.  _ __   
  
Connor stops caring, his tears and raindrops painting a canvas on his face. He looks down, and wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his black hoodie. Connor starts moving again, taking the backstreets to his house, trying to avoid all signs of life.    
  
_ I should have brought an umbrella, it is still Winter. I should have known better. What. A. Fucking. Idiot.  _ __   
  
He puts his hood down over his already-wet head, and shoves his hands, swathed with black woolen fingerless gloves that Zoe got for him years ago. He keeps his eyes down on the pavement, trying to step in every puddle.    
  
_ Are you purposely trying to ruin your jeans, mom will crack it! They’re all splashed with mud! Nah, as if she would care, just chuck them in the wash and she will be none the wiser, they're covered in paint anyway. She doesn’t care at all about anything, she wants nothing to do with me, I’m certain. What about the other day whe- _ __   
__   
CRASH.    
  
’Sorry, so sorry’ Connor mumbles and flicks his eyes up, barely meeting the gaze of the man he just crashed into. The man is wearing a dark blue business suit and overcoat holding a dark blue umbrella. Connor sidesteps him and continues trudging home.    
  
\---   
  
Connor strides up the wet beaten gravel path, his mother’s multicolored roses lining edges in a rough outline.    
  
The grass needs mowing. His dad, Larry, probably wants him to mow it. Of course, Connor would not ask first, they would think that he was an alien or an impostor.    
  
The light blue paint on the front door was flecking. Connor shivers slightly. He cups his hands and blows hot air onto them, warming them up slightly. When they were sufficiently warm, he takes his keys out of his pocket. Hanging off the ring was a multi-colored friendship bracelet that Zoe had made for his birthday a couple of years ago. A single bit of sentiment to define him as human. He sure didn't feel like it most of the time.    
  
Connor opens the door and was surprised to find a completely dark house. ‘Hellooo?’ He calls, his breath steaming in the frosty air. Of course there was no reply. His parents were probably out, having dinner at a fancy restaurant. Connor turns on the light with a flick of a black nail-polished nail. Connor checks the time on the old grandfather clock at the end of the hallway. 6 o’clock. Zoe was probably still at band practice at school.   
  
_ Shit. I forgot to check my phone.  _ He takes his phone out of his back jeans pocket. Still on silent, as always. There were a text message and a phone call from his Mom and a text from Zoe. He checked his mom’s message first, it was from 5:38.  _ Shit _ .    
  
‘Hi Connor, gone out for dinner, be back around 11. Love you!’ _ Love you. _ Yeah right, shitty fake optimism from his mother, as always.    
  
He checks the text from Zoe. ‘Hey Connor, band practice is running late, catch you later’.    
  
All as suspected. Good. He had the house all to himself.  __ Ahh, I could do with a hit right about now.

 


	3. Saturday, Afternoon (Evan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared comes over to Evan's house on request of Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE KUDOS AND 230 HITS!!!!!
> 
> Comments give me life and motivation, so please, do so. That'll be cool of you :)

Evan is sitting at his desk, attempting to do his History homework. He keeps zoning out and looking out the window. It is overlooking the garden that his mom had carefully designed and made years ago. She had made special care to add lots of different types of trees  and bushes that Evan had taken a special interest in at that time.   
  
Evan sighs, giving up on trying to comprehend the dense text that his history teacher, Mr Levenson, had assigned the class to read before their next lesson. It was a confusing piece about the Cold War and America's relationship with the rest of the world excluding Russia, or that's what he thought it was about. He was probably wrong.    
  
Evan decides to text Jared instead. He has a few things to ask him anyway.   
  
Evan: Hey Jared, you free today?   
  
Jared: Yeah, bored out of my brains, why?   
  
Evan: Um can you just come over please?   
  
Jared: Why? Did you kill someone or something and you need help with the body???   
  
Evan: No   
  
Jared: Okayyyyy, sure, see you in 20   
  


  
\---   


 

  
Evan is lying on his bed, staring up at the few remaining glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling. Heidi hollers up the stairs to him.     
  
‘Evan, Jared’s here to see you’. Evan doesn’t respond. ‘Ok, he’s coming up, is everything ok, Evan? Evan HansEN HAVE SOME HUMAN DECENCY AND ANSWER ME?’   
  
Evan finally gets the motivation to get up and respond to her, so she wouldn’t worry, but more to stop her shouting at him. He moves to the door and calls down to Heidi.    
  
‘Ok, I’m fine Mom, no need to worry’   
  
Jared enters Evan’s bedroom ‘Hey Evan, everything ok? You sounded pretty tense. Now where’s the body? I hope you murdered someone that I hate’   
  
‘Jared, there’s no body! I didn’t kill anyone! I’m fine I just wanted to ask you a question, but now that I think of it, I could have just asked you on the phone or texted you, not actually have you  _ physically drive _ here. I’m such an  _ idiot _ . Sorry, you should just go’   
  
‘Nah, it’s ok, I was really bored and needed to get out of the house for a while. So, what is it?’   
  
‘Um. Do you, do you know someone called Connor Murphy?’   
  
‘Yeah? He’s in my Studio Arts class, he paints some horrifying stuff, pretty sure he just used the lesson to vent. I'm pretty sure his sister is in the class as well. She does watercolour, and is pretty good at it, but i'm pretty sure she is just in the class to check up on Connor.’ He looks down, shakes his head then looks up again. ‘Why do you ask?’   
  
‘I met him at the Writing Group I went to at the library yesterday? You know, the one Mom recommended me to go to? Well I went, and  _ he  _ was there. He looked, he looked so, so … lonely, so I sat down next to him and started chatting to him.’   
  
‘You sat down next to  _ Connor Murphy _ ????’ Jared practically screeches. ‘Like the guy who deals drugs and wears all black like a fucking emo? How crazy  _ are  _ you?? He didn’t sell you drugs, did he?’   
  
‘Hey, hey, Jared, please don’t freak out, please don’t freak out, he seemed to be a nice guy. Anyway, he was the only person who was sitting alone, and I didn’t want to stand out, so I sat next to him’   
  
‘You are a strange, strange entity. Well, don’t get to involved’. Jared laughs, more high pitched than Connor's laugh. It seems to grate in Evan's ears.    
  
‘Hey did you have to say anything else? Like you hooked up with him or something?’    
  
Cue more laughter from Jared. Evan just ignores him, he has spend too far much time with this trash-monster to care or be offended by what he has to say.   
  
Evan gets up off his bed and walks to the door, indicating to go downstairs.    
  
‘Definitely not, do you want to watch a movie? I have ‘The Martian’ that I got from the library yesterday? I have seen it before, but I would like to watch it again, or we could watch something else? Your choice’   
  
‘You are such a stereotypical botanist, but you are  _ not  _ going to go to Mars, let me tell you that’   
  
‘You never know, I could’ve applied to NASA’   
  
They walk out of Evan’s room and down the stairs to the living room.    
  
‘Did you?’   
  
‘No’   
  
‘Thought not’   
  
‘Do you want popcorn?’   
  
‘Yeah? Is that even a question?’


	4. Monday, Before Class (Evan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets Faisty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to @GigsKathy for helping me proofread :)
> 
> AND A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR READING!!!
> 
> (AHHHHH THIS HAS 350 NOTES ALREADY- THANK YOU!!!!!!!)

Jared is leaning against the locker next to Evan’s, a dark blue backpack hanging off his shoulders. He is cleaning his thick, black, rimmed glasses with the bottom edge of his usual overhanging red shirt, which was open to show a black Legend of Zelda t-shirt.    
  
‘Come  _ on  _ Evan, we want to miss the rush of people trying to get to class, yeah?’   
He was waiting for Evan to hurry up at his locker, so they could walk to class together, as their first classes was in the same wing as each other.    
  
Evan is hastily shoving books for his AP Biology, AP Literature and Photography classes - which makes up his morning - into his satchel, which was bulging at his feet.   
  
‘Uh oh’ Evan briefly glances up to see Connor coming along the corridor in their direction. Connor walks past, shoving his elbow into Jared’s side while hurriedly walking down the corridor, adjusting the position of the strap on his shoulder. Jared finished cleaning his glasses and puts them back on.    
  
‘Ow. Hey Connor, loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic’, Jared calls after Connor, his tone heavy with sarcasm. Connor keeps walking, but glares back over his shoulder at Jared.   
  
‘I was kidding. It was a joke’ Jared tries to defend himself, throwing up his hands a little in defense.    
  
Connor stops walking and turns sharply on his heels. He starts walking back towards Jared and Evan, and stops a few feet away from them.   
  
‘Yeah, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?’ A pause. An unrelenting stare. ‘Am I not laughing hard enough for you?’ says Connor nonchalantly.   
  
Jared laughs nervously and looks at the watch on his right hand, then back up at Connor.    
  
‘You’re such a freak’, more to himself than Connor. He shakes his head. ‘See you later Evan, I just remembered I need to talk to Alana about some homework for English’ He walks away, in the opposite direction that Connor was heading in before.   
  
Connor notices Evan, a trace of a small smile on Evan’s face, the result of Jared’s remark.    
  
‘What the fuck are you laughing at?’ Connor glares at Evan, whose face immediately drops down into its usually neutral state.    
  
‘Um, sorry, sorry. Wha- what?’ His throat starting to close in on itself.    
  
‘Stop fucking laughing at me’    
  
‘No, no, you don’t understand, I’m not laughing at you, I would never do something like that. Jared, Jared is the one who doesn’t like you, but, but I think you’re really nice’ Evan attempts a laugh, but it comes out as more of a cough.    
  
‘Nice? Nice? Who cares about  _ nice’  _ Another deadly silence of a pause. ‘You think I am a freak?   
  
‘No. No, I don’t -’   
  
Connor lowers his voice, loud enough for only Evan to hear in the deafening hallway. ‘I’m not the freak’. Connor closes in the space between them, pushing Evan up against the lockers by the front of his blue striped polo shirt, so he has to stand on the tops of his toes.    
  
‘But I -I wasn’t -’ Evan manages whisper, through the tightness in his chest.    
  
‘YOU’RE THE FUCKING FREAK!’ Connor screams into Evan’s left ear, loud enough to leave a loud ringing noise.   
  
Connor abruptly lets go of Evan’s shirt and storms off, carving a path through the nervous onlookers on his way with his bag. ‘What the fuck are you assholes looking at? Fucking  _ move’ _   
  
In the middle of the commotion, Evan falls to the ground, face first, tipping over his carefully packed bag of books, his head bouncing against the polished concrete, blood rapidly flowing out of his nose.   
  
He only sees feet as he just lays there, watching, as everyone who was watching the fight, suddenly becomes aware of the time and themselves, moving around Evan like he was not even there.    
  
  
Evan must have fainted, as he was suddenly brought back to the present, gasping for air. The school nurse and a girl, snapping her fingers over his face, were hovering over him.   
  
‘Hey, hey Evan, can you hear me? Evan?’ The nurse was repeatedly saying.    
  
Evan groans. He winces as he opens his eyes to the now desolate, too bright hallway. He covers his eyes with his casted arm and pushes himself into an upright position against the lockers with the other hand.    
  
The nurse handed Evan a tissue, which he pressed to his nose even though the blood had stopped flowing. ‘Ugh, thanks’   
  
‘Can you stand? We’ll take you to my office to get cleaned up’   
  
Evan uses his locker to stand, and then holds onto the nurse’s shoulder for balance as they make their way down the hall. The girl picks up his books and puts them neatly back in his satchel. ‘I’ll be along in a minute with your stuff’ she calls.  _ She seems nice. Why is she helping me? I don’t deserve her kindness.   _ __  
__  
  
Evan stands in front of the sink and mirror in the nurse’s office, dabbing at his nose, gently cleaning off the dry blood. He finishes and anxiously straightens his shirt collar. He notices the girl come into frame of the mirror, putting his satchel carefully on the bed. Evan turns around.    
  
‘Thanks for doing that…ugh…um…’   
  
‘Zoe’   
  
‘Right. Zoe. Zoe. Why - why are you helping me? Shouldn’t you be in class’   
  
‘I felt like I owed you something, Connor is my brother, you see. I'm sorry for his actions'.   
  
'No please, don't be, it wasn't your fault'    
  
'Um, I couldn’t help but noticing, but, why is his name written all over your cast? And lots of  _ flowers _ ?’   
  
‘Um we met at the Friday writing group, at the um, the Library? He seemed like a pretty cool guy there. I didn’t, I didn't expect him to lash out at me today, though. Does he have Bipolar disorder or something?’   
  
‘Well kinda? I think he has depression, which he takes care of by smoking weed, which leads to Bipolar disorder, I think. He must have been high if he was docile on Friday. You right to go to class? You want me to walk you?’   
  
‘Nah, it’s fine, I don’t want you even more late to class than you are, thanks though Zoe’   
  
‘Anytime, I just hope Connor doesn’t lash out at you again.’    
  
‘Yeah, same, me too’   
  
‘Here, I’ll give you my number in case anything happens, or if you want to talk, I’m apparently very good at that’ She gives him a supposedly care free smile, but it came out tight.   
  
Evan gets his phone out from his back pocket, unlocks it, opens a new contact page, and hands it over. She quickly types her number in, then checks it to make sure. Evan takes it from her.   
  
‘Thanks, I’ll quickly send a message to you, so you have mine as well, so you’re not like, who is this random person who just texted me?’   
  
‘Sure thing, I really hate getting calls or texts from random numbers, it makes me nervous’   
  
‘Yeah, me too’   
  
Evan types and sends a message.   
  
A quick jazzy guitar riff sounds and Zoe smiles and reaches for her phone to silence it.   
  
‘You like guitar music?’   
  
‘Yeah, I play guitar in the jazz band, but I’m thinking of creating my own band soon with one of the singers in the band, Alana. Mr Paul, the Band director and Mr Pasek, the conductor, approve of the idea, so I think I could actually be something’   
  
‘That’s cool, I should let you go get to class, Zoe’   
  
‘Ok, bye Evan’ Zoe waves to him as she heads out of the office.   
  
‘Zoe wait’, Evan calls Zoe, who comes back in the room, standing in the doorway. ‘Actually, Zoe, do you know what Connor’s locker number is?’   
  
‘Um 167 in A wing, why do you ask?’   
  
‘Ah, just, just curious, um thanks for everything, Zoe’   
  
‘Ok Evan, just don’t go sending my brother death threats, ok?’   
  
‘What? Like I would do that! Thanks again’   
  
‘See you around’ Zoe disappears from Evan’s line of sight.   
  
Evan picks up his satchel from the bed and looks at his watch.  _ Damn _ . He was 15 minutes late, he’d have to get a pass from the nurse, although she was probably going to give him one anyway.  __ Why do I have to think the worst of everyone I meet?   



	5. Monday, After School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan slips his phone number into Connor's locker, and Connor get confronted about early that day by Zoe.  
> Feat. Zoe is more of a parental figure than Cynthia or Larry

Evan is walking out of his AP History class, trying to still wrap his head around the Crimean war. His pocket vibrated. He picks his phone out, and sees that Heidi sent him a text.

 

Mum: Hey Evan, the higher ups need me to work for a while more, so you’ll have to take the bus or catch a lift with Jared. Is that ok?

Evan: Yeah ok will do mom, see you later, I’ll get a lift with Jared

Mum: Love you

Evan: Hey Jared, can you drive me home today? Like can you drop me off at my house, Mom’s working late’

Jared: Sure Evan, meet you out the front in 5?

Evan: Ok

Evan walks down A wing and to find locker 167. He stops at 167, a black painted locker, with white flowers painted on top, and slips a note in the locker that has his number and name on it.

He walks back up A wing to meet Jared, who is waiting impatiently at the front desk, his keys jangling in his hand. As soon as Evan is in talking range, he apologises to Jared.

 

‘Sorry I’m a little late’

‘Why, it doesn’t take  _ that  _ long to get from A wing to the front of the school’

‘Hey have you memorised my timetable?’

‘Nah, not really, you told me remember, at lunch, “I’ve got history in A wing”’

‘Oh yeah, I guess I’m a bit distracted at the moment’

‘Come on, let’s get you home’

 

\---

 

Connor sits on his bed, his hands shaking, holding the piece of paper that he found in his locker, from Evan. Desperate to do something, but not ever him growing pile of homework. He decides to text Evan instead.

Connor: Why are you doing this? What do you want from me? I screamed at you, and technically beat you up, shouldn’t you fear me?? Or at least a little bit scared?

Evan: You and I are alike Connor, we both hurt where humans shouldn’t be touched

Connor: Do you pity me? I don’t need your fucking sympathy

Evan: I’m not pitying you, I’m finding a potential friend in you

Connor: People pity the broken, are you pitying me? Cause it seems awfully like you are.

Evan struggles with the next sentence, but eventually writes

Evan: Have you ever considered that I may be broken too?

 

Connor’s 3 dots of suspense arrived, but eventually fades away.

 

\---

 

Connor Zoe storms into Connor’s room, finding him asleep with the phone clutched in his right hand. She pushes him.

‘CONNOR! Where were you all day, we purposely arranged it at the start of the year so that we had a class together each day so that I could up check you!’ Pause, doesn’t answer. Softer, ‘What did you take and how much?’

He hangs his head. ‘Cocaine. A couple of joints. Jeez why do you care?’

‘Because I’M YOUR SISTER AND I AM SUPPOSED TO CARE. I SAW YOU BEAT UP A GUY TODAY, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY’

She lowers her voice, almost whispering, her heart audibly cracking.

‘Am I not supposed to care? You have told me everything since we were kids, and I feel like we should keep that going. I…I know you don’t have any real friends, and that is why you lash out at people, yeah? Um, I think it would do you good to actually speak to someone’.

‘What you mean like go to a  _ psychologist?  _ You know dad would never allow it, he is so caught up in his petty little vision of me, and cannot actually  _ see  _ who I am, and…’.

Connor swallows and hugs Zoe tightly. ‘that I need help’. Zoe hugs him back, and puts her head on Connor’s shoulder.

‘I know you won’t get any support from our stupid parents, but maybe talk to the guy who you met at the writing group, and then punched up today. Why did you do that? You haven’t given me a reason yet’.

‘Um I don’t know, well I have been thinking about it all day, and I guess I mistook him for his asshole friend? Who was being a dick? and I guess the drugs just took over cause Evan seemed like a nice guy on Friday? And I could somehow connect with him? But today, I got caught up in a whirlwind fury that I couldn’t escape, cause if I did, I would look like a coward.’ Connor was making Zoe’s shirt soggy. ‘Shhhh it’s ok, it’s ok. It’s going to be fine. Please, just stay with me’


End file.
